5 days left waiting and oh how I feel that Waiting and I know each other’s innards and outtards like old lovers. I’m not alone in this notion, that’s the one benefit of 2020. We’re all running through this shit storm as one. Even the untouchable 1% can’t party as hard as they once did. A level-ish playing field, I’d say; soon to be a civil war in the making. But praise be the small sshtuff! Maybe I’ll get a job soon that has nothing to do with my 6 years of school. What better time to toss the bouquet and sink my teeth into humble pie?
Amongst my weekly bouts of cynicism, I try and stick my tongue out in every thunderstorm as a personal rain dance to send forth to my fire laden Western brothers and sisters. It seems Mother Dearest has her own bouts of cynicism. Another playing field to level?
The introductory page of this summer’s journal is titled “An Age of Questioning”. I began this journal a week after George Floyd was murdered. This was a desperate attempt to self-reflect and analyze my own actions in light of the current turmoil. The hope was through written word, I’d uncover the “answers” while also giving space to unleash my privileged ego. Ergo, so that it may be eventually snuffed out. But here we are, 3 months later. Another black body (SAY HIS NAME! JACOB BLAKE) endured the wrath of police authority in the form of 7 bullets inducing paralyzation. More protests erupted. More lives burned at the stake by 17-year-old white, child terrorist. No matter how much I scrub, my hands still feel bloody.
In her book Their Eyes Were Watching God Zora Neale Hurston writes, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” But what about 2020? Each day gets angrier. Our bodies, our souls, our futures are quickly becoming dismembered. Soon enough, we won’t know which way is up. The focus is getting lost. This year feels neither like the question nor the answer. This year feels like the gauntlet.
#10.5: Learning To Be Human
My husband started attending AA meetings in 2017. I found myself occasionally jealous of these weekly gatherings. And no, it is not because of the free, self-serve, styrofoam coffee, but moreso because he was essentially attending therapy without spending a scrap of dead president paper. I won’t go into detail of his story because it’s his own. However, I will expand upon a thought that I’m sure my brain is not the first to thunk.
Imagine yourself in a room, with terrible carpet, most likely a drippy roof, plastic chairs filled with folks of all shapes and sizes, and a bearded, sage-like leader center circle. There’s a spot for you, the chair closest to the coffee and furthest from the windows. You like it when the sunlight sets through the dusty shades and warms your face as it drops behind the trees.
The core group has attended these meetings for years but you are new. The gathering is not affiliated with any religious sect or outside organization, it is simply there to practice active listening. The leader is a volunteer who has participated in various trainings on listening, human psychology, group management, and of course, some first aid/cpr basics. The leader is expected to keep the flow of the group moving forward without pressure or needless additional talking. People are allowed to share whatever they need or want on their turn. This is a safe space for anyone.
Some choose to share their stories, other pass and listen, and some merely emote. You can tell who the newest additions are by their constant, uncontrolled reactions to other’s stories. Some rare moments can escalate but the leader jumps into action by using quiet hand signals. This immediately gains order amongst the group. These signals seem silly at first, but eventually prove successful.
Herbal tea and water are available in the name of peace and quiet. There is no book from Bill and Bob. In fact, there is no book at all. The meeting is about people and recognizing humanity for what it is in others and in yourself. It is more about the observer opening his/her/their heart to listen with love, than of the person sharing.
Maybe this is an answer.
A Homegoing 